Jokes for Beat ‘SC Week
The following comes from uclalumni.net’s Beat ‘SC web page:
Admissions
What do USC and UCLA students have in common? They both got in to USC.
Last Requests
Submitted by Richard Brisacher ‘88
A Trojan grad and a Bruin grad were on death row. The warden came to them to ask them if they had any last requests. The Trojan said, “I’d just like to hear ‘Conquest’ one last time.” When the warden asked the Bruin what his last request was, he replied, “kill me first.”
The ‘SC Fan
Submitted by Wendy Law ‘92
A first grade teacher tells her class that she is an ‘SC fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are ‘SC fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, “Janie, why didn’t you raise your hand?”
“Because I’m not an ‘SC fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, “Then who are you a fan of?”
“I am a UCLA fan, and proud of it,” Janie replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. “Janie, why pray tell are you a UCLA fan?”
“Because my mom is a UCLA fan, and my dad is a UCLA fan, so I’m a UCLA fan too!”
“Well,” said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, “that is no reason for you to be a UCLA fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?”
“Then,” Janie smiled, “I’d be an ‘SC fan.”
USC Graduation
Submitted by Russel Heskin ‘96
Graduation had finally come to the USC campus. The sun was shining, and families and friends flooded Alumni Park for the ceremonies. The soon-to-be graduates were feeling good about themselves. They had survived four tough academic years as Trojans, and they were ready to conquer the world.
As the ceremony began, President Steven Sample took the microphone, “A few minutes ago, as the faculty and I were assembling outside Bovard Administration Building, we came to the conclusion that it would be an embarrassment to send you students out into the real world without knowing that you learned at least one thing at USC. So unless your valedictorian can answer the following question, you will all need to stay at USC another year.”
The students fell silent as the valedictorian, slowly stood up and approached President Sample. “The question is, What is 2 + 2?” You could hear a pin drop as the valedictorian timidly answered, “4?”
The students began to whisper, inaudibly to one another; until finally, the whispers grew into a chant:
“Give him another chance! Give him another chance!…”
The Wish
A Trojan fan and a Bruin fan were fighting over a lantern when suddenly a genie appeared. The genie said, “If you two will stop fighting, I will give each of you one wish.” The genie turned to the Trojan and asked, “What is your wish?”
The Trojan thought for a moment and then said, “I want a huge wall, 150 feet tall all the way around USC to protect our heritage. Make it so no one can get in or out, especially any of those Bruins!” The genie blinked his eyes, nodded his head and the Trojan’s wish came true.
Turning to the Bruin, the genie asked, “Now what is your wish?” With a huge ear-to-ear grin on his face, the Bruin replied, “Fill it with water.”
USC Library
Did you hear the library at USC burned down?
They lost both books, and one hadn’t even been colored in yet.
Oink Oink!
Did you hear the story about the semi truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the USC campus?
The officials had to check ID’s before letting anyone back on board.
Guy in a Bar
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, “Wanna hear a USC joke?” The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs., and I’m a USC graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″, weighs 225, and he’s a USC graduate. The fella next to him is 6′5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s a USC graduate. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”
The first guy replies: “Naw, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
USC Football
Members of the USC football team were placed in a remedial English class. “Because we are all new on campus we are going to start with the basics,” the professor explained. “Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?” All of the players raised their hands. “The appeal!” they all shouted with pride.
The Contractor
A woman was walking through her new house with the contractor. As they walked through rooms, she told him what color she wanted him to paint each room. In the bedroom she said, “I think this would be nice in a cream.” The contractor stuck his head out of the window and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!” This perplexed the woman. They moved to the living room and she said, “I would love rose in this area.” Again the contractor strolled over to the window and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!” Again the woman was confused but did not say anything. As they walked into the kitchen she proudly announced that she wanted this room to be “a glorious shade of mauve.” Once again the contractor went to the window and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!” Finally she could not stand this anymore. “What are you shouting GREEN SIDE UP out of every window of this house?” He replied, “I’m sorry. I have a crew of USC students laying sod across the street.”
Q and A
Q: What are the best four years of a Trojan’s life? A: Third grade.
Q: How long does it take a USC football player to run the 40-yard dash? A: I don’t know. After the sixth yard they get tired of climbing over the fences.
Q: What’s the difference between a USC cheerleader and a bag of trash? A: The trash gets taken out more often!
Q. Why did the USC Trojans get excited when they finished a jig-saw puzzle in six months? A: Because the box said “4 - 6 Years”
Q: How come the USC football team doesn’t have a Web site? A: They can’t string three “W’s” together.
Q: Why should the USC football team change its name to the “Opossums”? A: Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
Q: How many USC freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? A: None–it’s a second year course.
Q: What does a Trojan and a bottle of beer have in common? A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why doesn’t USC have ice on the sidelines? A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: What do you get when you drive slowly by the USC campus? A: A degree.
Q: What’s the difference between a litter of puppies and USC fans? A: Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining.
Q: What does the average USC player get on his SAT’s? A: Drool.
Q: What do you call a person from USC in a three-piece suit? A: The defendant
Q: How do you get a USC graduate off your porch? A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: Why do USC students put their report cards in their car windows? A: So they can get the handicap spot.
Top Ten Reasons Why You’d Rather Be a Bruin than a Trojan
- Your fight song has more than three notes.
- Your mascot doesn’t take a dump on the field.
- Your tuition doesn’t equal the national debt of most third world countries.
- None of your cheerleaders are named Buffy or Candie.
- Bruins need more than one hand to count their Nobel Prize winners.
- Your football highlights are in color unlike USC’s which are black and white.
- Your basketball team doesn’t think a fast break is a chance to get some water.
- Your band doesn’t dress in an emulation of decadent imperial arrogance.
- 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998.
- No one named “O.J.” ever played for UCLA.
4 comments
(5 years, 11 months ago)
Priceless!!! I am writing an anti-USC column for the Bruin on Tuesday, so I am definitely mentioning some of the jokes on this site. Thanks for the laughs!! EBK
(5 years, 9 months ago)
Can’t spell SUCK without USC
(5 years, 8 months ago)
These jokes are great. I use them to poke fun at those misdirected USC sympathizers who appear before me at work and this makes otherwise tough days bearable (no pun intended). Thanks!
(3 years, 5 months ago)
I’m still using these jokes and still get plenty of laughs when I do. Unfortunately, the ones that knock USC’s gridiron efforts are a bit dated. I trust that they (like UCLA’s basketball program) will soon come back into fashion though.